EMOTIONS, FATHERS, How do we cope with grieving, Physical feelings, Trying again for a baby.
EMOTIONS
At times you may feel as if you are alone. You may worry that you ought to be feel more sad, or that if you happy again that you are being disloyal to your baby, but love is not measured by sadness. It is also quiet normal to feel guilty for feeling happy, or the other way around, these are pefectly normal feelings, so try not to worry about them.
When your baby dies, your dreams and plans, become shattered. Loneliness in grief is a great problem, other people who did not know your baby may think he or she was not a person and won't understand why you are grieving for someone who should not be remembered, that you should soon foget, and get on with your life
You will have many different emotions which will vary from day to day and may return gently or intensely. You may be surprised at how you swing from one feeling to the other. Some days you will feel quite well, and other days down again.
There is also a restlessness, often a vague forgetfulness. Part of you may go on searching and listening for the baby without fully realising what has happened. You may wake up in the night automatically, thinking you need to feed the baby, or imagine you hear the baby crying, to awake and find the cot empty. Things that you used to enjoy may not interested you any more. It is very difficult at first to get back into your routine, or to concentrate on something you would automatically do with no hesitation, especially big responsibilites.
You may feel that it is unfair that your baby died, and feel angry, even furious, you will ask yourself how could something like this happen to me/us? Whether or not there is a clear medical reason for the death, you will still these emotions. Some people get angry with friends and family, and take it out on them. Others become furious with god, thinking he has no right to take your baby away from you, or why did he not make a mircle and save your baby. Others become angry with staff at the hospital. You may feel like screaming and raging. Some people become quiet and withdrawn, like that are in shock.
Often parents feel very guilty and wonder, 'what they did wrong, if they had done things differently'. You will have endless questions, which may not have answers.
Some parents feel guilty over their baby when other people seem to have much worse problems. Thinking about all the sorrow in the world, they feel selfish. You cannot measure your grief against someone else's. Your grief will not grow less just because someone else thinks their pain is worse.
Jealousy may be a problem 'Why do some women have lots of babies with no trouble and don't even seem to want them?'. You may want to run away from the sight of other babies, and envy your friends or even think that you hate them when they are happy with their children.
There is a purpose behind these natural feelings. Thinking and talking about the ones which trouble you will help you, not to forget, but to be able to face the future. It is not wrong to feel sad or angry, any more than it is wrong to feel thirsty. Slowly the intense pain will lessen but this may take weeks, months, or years, far longer than you might have expected, and you may always have times of pain. Almost every baby leaves something beautiful or happy for parents to remember.
Crying is a good way to release tension and sadness, and to help you on the long road to recovery. A problem may be that your friends will not know what to do when you cry. They may feel embarrassed and not want to talk about your baby in case you start crying and they feel that they have upset you. You may feel self-conscious too, especially if tears come suddenly and without warming.
Perhaps you can help your friends to understand that you need to cry, and thank them for letting you. They will probably be relieved to know that you would rather be with them even if you do cry alot. As time goes by you will cry less and less when you think and talk about your baby.
Some people do not, cannot cry. Do not worry about whether you cry too much or too little. Crying is not a measure of how much you loved your baby.
FATHERS
In this day and age, many fathers still believe that they have to keep their feelings hiden inside, not to show how much they are really hurting inside. That they must be strong, and remain calm to keep the rest of the family strong, and that his role is to support his partner and family. The fathers take on the role of making all the arrangements after the baby's death, telling others of the dreadful news that their baby has died. They help with the housework and take care of the other children. They go back to work as it nothing happened.
In general most men, tending to have fewer friends than women, to talk to honestly to about their feelings, and find relief in this way. It may be too difficult for them to find the words, when people tend to ask 'How is your wife?' instead of asking the father 'How are you?', some men find it very embarrasing to discuss how they really feel inside.
Fathers, may feel very tired. Why they feel they cannot ask for the help they need, some fathers can become ill, months or even years afterwards.
It is perfectly normal to feel furious that fate should be so cruel, and that they were unable to protect their baby. For no good reason, many parents blame themselves bitterly for their child's death. They did nothing wrong, yet they feel overwhelmed with guilt. When the father turns his anger onto the mother, as so often happens, she feels this is almost more than she can bear.
One way for a couple to comfort each other is by making love. Yet each may feel so differently, that sadly this can become a misery instead of a comfort.
Fathers are more involved today in pregnancy and birth. everyone is different. Some fathers bond with the baby long before it is born, some do not want to know until their son or daughter arrives or is past the tiny baby stage. They may not feel much affected when the baby dies.
In some cases the parents may feel alot closer to eachother, whilst others may feel they are drifting apart. If this is the case, you may need to talk to someone who can help you sort out your disagreements, before things get out of hand between. .
How Do We Cope With Grieving?
When losing a baby, or child we should talk to other parents who have also suffered a similar loss. People who understand what we are going through.
Try and stick to a familar routine, you might find that friends or relatives might pop around on their own, not bringing young children or babies around, thinking you won't want them around. But it just makes you realise your loss even more. It is hard seeing babies everywhere, you seem to notice them more often after your loss, and think how unfair life is, that you don't have your baby with you, you may even feel envy, or jealously, this is quite natural.
Try to accept that people just won't know what to say to you, after all whatever they say won't ease the pain or make you feel any better. They will apologise for your loss, even though it is not their fault that you have lost a baby or child, and they may feel awkward around you because they know that you are grieving.
They may offer a shoulder to cry on, and should you need to take up that offer, let them know, don't suffer on your own, and bottle things up. God knows I have done plenty of crying just lately, its nothing to be ashamed of, it just part of your grieving process.
Also never give up hope, at some point you may decide you want to try for another baby, you will know when the time is write, the main point is that you feel emotionally ready to deal with another pregnancy.
Also remember that even though your partner has not gone through all the bodily changes that we go through during pregnancy, he has also had his dreams shattered, the baby he was expecting is no longer there. Just remember to keep communicating with eachother!
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Physical feelings
These are usually the first signs of grief to come and they are usually the first to pass. You may feel very tired. You may have the sensation of heaviness or pains in your chest, or stomach, or even a need to take deep, breaths. Some people get palpitations, or 'butterflies' or aching arms. Some may find it difficult to eat, or sleep as dreams may be disturbing.
Sleeping tablets used to be given freely, and occasionally still are given. To try and help you to relax enough to get a good nights sleep, but taking drugs does not stop the sadness or pain you feel inside.
The usual emptiness after pregnancy reminds you of your loss, you feel empty inside because you can no longer feel the baby moving around inside of you, nor do you have a baby to hold and love, yet your body goes on slowly recovering and producing milk.
Pain-reliever may be given to help the sore breasts and around any stitches. The midwife or doctor may also give you something to help dry up the milk try to express it, and to drink as little as possible. Ice packs and cool clothes may relieve discomfort you may be feeling. Your body will reabsorb most of the milk quite quickly.
Trying again for a baby
If you we're ill during your last pregnancy take heed of advice from the doctor or specialist. eg. the last baby was born via a c-section, there was complications during your last pregnancy etc.
Also it is wise to discuss how your partner also feels about trying for another baby. It is good advice to have at least one period before trying to conceive. This will give you body opportunity to return back to normal.
Also falling pregnant straight after another pregnancy can lead to miscarriage as internal organs need time to return to normal, and the cervix needs to become strong again to hold the next pregnancy in place.
It may also be wise to work out your dates, so that the next pregnancy does not turn up in the same month as the baby you lost as this could pose most destressing to both parents.
On your first visit to the hospital, you may want to take someone with you, this will be for moral support, if the father cannot attend with you.
Spend a couple of hours, both of you together if possible making a list of questions, and make sure you ask the consultant them to put your mind at ease, ask for an early pregnancy plan.
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